Now here's a funny thing
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
— Mark Twain
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
— Groucho Marx
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
— Stan Laurel
I remain just one thing, and one thing only, and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.
— Charlie Chaplin
All my life I have been happiest when the folks watching me said to each other, 'Look at the poor dope, wilya?'
— Buster Keaton
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
— James Thurber
At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.
— P.G. Wodehouse
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
— Mel Brooks
By the time you are 80, you've learned everything. You only have to remember it. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up. And finally, you forget to pull it down.
— George Burns
Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"
— Johnny Carson
The doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, 'Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.'
— Jerry Lewis
It is all right to hold a conversation but you should let go of it now and then.
— Richard Armour
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
— Bill Cosby
Oh, what a shock. My career must be slipping. This is the first time I've been available to pick up an award.
— Michael Caine
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
— Woody Allen
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
— Charles M. Schulz
No one can be as calculatedly rude as the British, which amazes Americans, who do not understand studied insult and can only offer abuse as a substitute.
— Paul Gallico
If God had been a liberal, we wouldn't have had the Ten Commandments—we'd have the Ten Suggestions.
— Malcolm Bradbury
Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.
— Art Buchwald
Your memory is a monster; you forget, it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you—and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!
— John Irving
One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.
— Kurt Vonnegut
We do have a zeal for laughter in most situations, give or take a dentist.
— Joseph Heller
I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
— John Cleese
Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together.
— Ray Bradbury
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
— Lily Tomlin
I don't know. I think it's funny! I think it's funny! I go, what? It's so absurd. I'm alone.
— Danny DeVito
You've got to vote for someone. It's a shame, but it's got to be done.
— Whoopi Goldberg
Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.
— Rowan Atkinson in Blackadder
Gentlemen, start your egos.
— Billy Crystal
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
— Steve Martin
I have sometimes imagined my own death and brought myself to tears.
— Martin Short
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
— Robin Williams
Behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes, folks!
— Jim Carrey
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realise this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
— Ray Romano